I
need
to
get
out.
I blew the man at the liquor store for a bottle of booze and some marching powder.
When I went home, I lay on my roof in the snow and built entire houses inside my head. Nail by nail. Board by board.
My dad calls me sugar tits. I have to call him Daddy.
Daddy.
Daddy.
I can't even remember what I look like anymore.
- (no subject)
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blues_fatale- December 5th, 18:09
- One reason.
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- blues_fatale
- June 19th, 3:35
So.
Suzie's dead. Armand murdered her. I am without a best friend. Or any friends, really. The only other person I had that actually gave a shit, was just put in prison for reckless homicide, last week.
I don't what else to say about that.
Suzie's funeral was... empty. Dry. No one cared enough except for me.
I hardly speak to Santiago anymore. I don't really talk to anyone.
We live together, but he doesn't know what to do with me.
I wouldnt' either I guess. All I do is sleep.
There's too much cruelty in this world.
He didn't have to strangle her.
Her father didnt' have to rape her. Her mother didn't have to force her own daughter to bang meth with her.
My father didn't have to abuse me.
But they did. People always will. It's just the way the world fucking works I guess.
You know, I was watching 21 Grams the other night. It's about 3 people who were drug addicts, who got sober and got redemption. But in the end, 1 persons family all got killed. The other person got sent to prison for accidently hitting and killing 2 children. And the last one's heart is failing, and he kills himself.
So I thought... what's point of taking so much time and effort to be happy and sober and ha "clean"... if nothing turns out okay in the end, anways.
I mean... I ran away. I got away from my freak of a dad. Got off the junk. Got all "better".
And what do I have now?
1 dead bestfriend.
1 best friend in prison for 40 years.
I'm in love with someone who can't even begin to comprehend me.
And, I have heroin. What do I have to stay in reality for now?
Give me one good reason, and I won't put it in my arm.
I can be like them too.Hey, I don't mean to complain.
Fuck it. A needles a dick a killer a dead girl an inmate an overdose a fuck, whatever, man.
What's the fucking difference anyways.
- Ghost Dancing...
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- blues_fatale
- May 29th, 3:05
I had a very close friend, Steve, that committed suicide 4 years ago. He was 19.
His birthday was on the 20th, so i've been thinking alot about him.
So, I decided to share seeing him, again. It's something I haven't told anyone really, except the people who were there.
It was 2 years ago. I was in a car with my friends Michael, Nathan, Suzie Q, and Veronica. We were going to a party at my sister's boyfriends house.
We were driving passed the cemetary where Steve is buried. I had my eyes closed, but I felt a shiver so I opened them. When I did, there he was, standing by the side of the road, looking at me, straight into my eyes. He looked so..... sad. So sad. So sad....
He looked like his was starving. His face was sunken in. His eyes were black. He was wearing all white.
Well, we passed him. I was completely frozen in horror for about a block and a half. Then I started to scream. I screamed, and screamed and screamed. Cried. and cried. and cried. I couldn't sleep for weeks. Whenever I closed my eyes, he was all I saw. All I could think about was him, buried in the cold ground, alone. So alone. And cold.
I was so.... angry, at first. Why did I have to see him? Why'd he have to fuck me up?
But now, I couldn't be anymore fucking grateful. That's all I wanted for a long time, was to say goodbye.
I go to his grave sometimes and just lay there for hours, looking up at the clouds, and talking to him. I always leave him a rose.
So, I don't know.
- A-Wall.... Missing in Action. Fuck.
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- blues_fatale
- May 29th, 2:59
No word from Suzie Q. Not since her last post. I'm so frightened i've been starting to pull out my hair, without realizing it. I throw up everthing I eat. I can't sleep. Everything and everywhere I go reminds me of her. Santiago tries to help, but Suzie's still lost.
I don't know if she really killed herself or not. I really.... just don't know. We were supposed to grow old together. And die on the same day.
If she dies, I die.
If she dies, I die...
"It was once said that the only philosophical question is whether or not to kill yourself.
I guess that makes me a philosopher..."
Please pray for her.
I can't do this alone.
- (no subject)
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- blues_fatale
- March 11th, 23:37
I hate him sometimes.
- Shattering the Myths
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- blues_fatale
- March 8th, 17:38
I got my Chakras read today and also got a little energy healing. It was nice. Very relaxing.
On Friday my friend had a party, with a few kegs and some wop. It was really nice, because all the people there were people i've grown up with, and known my entire life. We all grew up together, and it's cool that we still all hang out. Everyone remembers when so and so did this, or when this and that happened. :) Unfortunately, eventually we'll split up and that will be that.
I've been designing a tattoo for myself. It's a pin up girl and I have to say she is going to be fucking gorgeous. :}
Anyways, not too much to write about again so..... Peace.
- The New Girl.
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- blues_fatale
- March 3rd, 17:18
exhausted
So i'm listening to Bikini Kill and I pretty much feel invinceable.
So i'm new to livejournal.... it's already annoying me, because it's confusing. Blah. :]
Right now i'm basically just wasting time before my boyfriend gets home. Don't really have too much to write about.
It seems too soon to get all personal, right?
=}
I've been waiting for these packages to come. GoGo boots, a leopard print dress, a durby hat..... stupid UPS. Though, i'm thinking they probably already came by and I was sleeping. Ha.... well, i'll blame them anyways.I couldn't sleep last night. I've been sick and a bit sad. I got to sleep around 9 in the morning, and then my puppy woke me up around 11 to play. Sigh, sigh, sigh.
Well, that's all I gots for now.
I'll... I don't know. Haha. Check back tomorrow, I guess.
Toodles.
