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Time:08:16 pm

"You're too beautiful to be so fucked up."
 
I am not beautiful. I'm just a girl.


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Subject:If you really knew me...
Time:12:51 am

If you really knew me you'd know that I'm not afraid of death or dying alone.

If you really knew me you'd know that the only living person that loves me can't handle who I am.

If you really knew me you'd know I am addicted to heroin.

If you realy knew me you'd know that I sell my body to get money and drugs.

If you really knew me you'd know that my best friend of 15 years was strangled to death by her boyfriend for loving another woman.

If you really knew me you'd know that, besides Suzie, I've had six close friends die, mostly suicides and drug overdoses. I'm unwilling to have friends. They're a liability.

If you really knew me you'd know that I've tried to commit suicide 3 times.

If you really knew me you'd know that my father has been raping me since I was 7 years old.

If you really knew me you'd know that I'm not so different than you. No one is free. Even birds are chained to the sky...



Who are all of you?
 


P.S. I saw Obama speak today. I hope he means what he says.




"The only difference between our secrets is whether we allow them to turn into tales of heroism or fear."
- Anonymous


"I live in a world of fantasy, so keep your reality away from me. I see what I want, I want what I see, and that is all okay by me."
- Itzah C. Kret

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Time:04:35 pm

"Dying is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well. I do it so it feels like Hell. I do it so it feels real."
- Sylvia Plath

I relate to her more than anyone else. Too bad she killed herself. Of course, being bipolar isn't all bad. I'd rather feel like God sometimes and shit others, than be mediocre all of the time.

My head feels like this song.


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Current Music:Sugar - Bikini Kill
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Time:06:27 pm


I haven't written in awhile. Been on a bit of a bender. I try to stay away from here as much as possible, but I came back so Bella won't be so alone. Plus I missed my dog >.<

I've been with M for the past few weeks. We sleep all day, stay up all night. We want to go to Italy. We'll change our names and dye our hair :) grow grapes or something haha. Just go where no one knows who we are and we can be anybody we want to be.

 


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Time:03:55 pm

I hate being here. I can't hardly stand it. He won't leave me alone. If I was never touched again by any man, I'd be in heaven.

I found this poem that I wrote years ago:

The Dove

The earth flooded and wept.

Now, the universe is in reverse and
all the people have drowned in remorse,
while
the sun just sighs and
the moon gets high and
the cries just go from bad to worse.
And they realize they're cursed
as darkness from the secrets of the sky
massages their spines
now teardrops taste like chai
and chai tastes like divine wine.
The core of the earth is torn
like the whore who's sore and just needs more.
Ashes and bones start to groan
trying to block out of the sounds of moans.
The dying races press their hands against the dripping night
and disappear through the sands of time;
the eternal rhyme of the euphoria they feel
as they kiss bleeding steel and
nurse the dove who fell in love
with kids with guns, and
lost her voice when the choice to rejoice
was kidnapped by the hands of war;
the roar of injustice that stains her feathers and
pores with specks of red that could
break her neck and send her six feet under.
She can't beat thunder but
she can drink the rain and become part of the storm,
or she can cry Hell's tears and
turn black like the crack of the whipe against
humanities back.


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Current Location:Inferno.
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Subject:.sensory deprivation tank for the soul.
Time:11:24 pm


Steady diet of ramen noodles, vitamin water, oxy, and tequila. I'm appalled at my utter lack of concern about life choices. Being high just feels good though... like being under water.

My sis starts school tomorrow so we're back at the parentals dojo. Le sigh. And people really think they know what Hell is.

.just want that high. indescriminate angels. empty wilderness. tender black hole.

blah blah blah blah whine whine whine. professional snob.

she sang us jinxed lullabies. Mama never had no good rock-a-bye babies.


Floating on the Dead Sea of the drug stone, there is no sense of pain, no regret or shame, no feelings of guilt or greif, no depression, and no desire. The sleeping universe enters and envelopes every atom of existance. Insensible stillness and peace disperse fear and suffering. Thoughts drift like ocean weeds and vanish in the distant, grey somnolcency, unpercieved and indeterminable. The body succums to cryogenic slumber: the listless heart beats faintly, and breathing slowly fades to random whispers. Thick nirvanic numbness clogs the limbs, and downward, deeper, the sleeper slides and glides toward oblivion, the perfect and eternal stone.

That chemical absolution is paid for, like everything else in the universe, with light. The first light that junkies lose is the light in their eyes. A junkie's eyes are as lightless as the eyes of Greek statues, as lightless as hammered lead, as lightless a bullet hole in a dead man's back. The next light lost is the light of desire. Junkies kill desire with the same weapon they use on hope and and dream and honour : the club made from their craving. And when all the other lights of life are gone, the last light lost is the light of love. Sooner or later, when it's down to the last hit, the junkie will give up the woman he loves, rather than go without; sooner or later, every hard junkie becomes a devil in exile.

 

~Chapter 30 of Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts 


I'm feeling nostalgia towards the little girl who used to be so forgiving of demons. Who believed in God. Who climbed trees. Made wishes on dandelions. Hell, I even miss the foster and group homes I spent so much of my childhood in. They weren't exactly Versailles, but  I never wanted to come back here.
I miss Suzie most of all, though. I want Suzie back. It's not fair.

I don't mean to be an emo emu. I just wish it had all turned out differently. I wish it had begun differently.


 



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Current Music:Alice in Chains - Heaven Beside You
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Time:01:46 pm
Frustrated.

R.I.P. Sadie, Smiley, and Sean.

The only way to get out of this place.

Salvation? What a fucking joke. No one gets out of this place alive.
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Current Music:Exploited - Sex and Violence
Current Location:M's place
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Time:01:19 am
Had an okay day today. Walked downtown alot, and then up and down Badger. It was so hot out, spent alot of time drinking beer at the park. Winter is going to suck. I wish I was back in San Diego, with that salty air and desert sun. mmmm. Better than sex.

I've been staying away from home, mostly. Me and my sis been couch surfing, but we'll go back when she starts school again soon. She's 12. I don't leave her at home though, if I'm gone for more than a couple days. Daddy and Ma don't notice anyhow.

We're at M's house now for a bit. He's one of those people that has alot of nice shit, but doesn't appear to do anything for money lol. Fine with me; at least he has food. >.<
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Time:11:56 am
Cripes!
 
I wish that just once the neighbors would knock around here. And of course, now the dog is out.

Sigh. As much shit that goes on in my daily life, this is what really grinds my gears >.<
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Time:05:18 am
I've been listening to music all night, all different sorts. A tribe called quest - velvet underground - bad brains - gogol bordello - ani difranco - muddy waters - parliament. Without music, life wouldn't be fair. I guess it's not really anyways, haha, but it's not so bad with Jimi Hendrix around. <3

It's almost 6 am here. Sometimes I sleep for days, and sometimes I don't sleep at all. I drink coffee and write. Or look out the window, or sit on my roof. I think about Suzie mostly. And Santiago. I want to go see him, but I know what he'd say.

"I want to help you, but you have to help yourself."

I don't want to help myself. I don't see the point. 

I want his spanish accent and his silly stories. I want those chocolate eyes and that penetrating warmth.

Sigh. I guess I am just a stupid little girl afterall.
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